Through my 32 years, I have experienced a few major redirections in which altered my life’s course completely. These changes reshape one acceptable future for a completely unforeseen path into the void of uncertainty. While I have been shaping my life to prepare for this moment, now that the void is confronting me once again I can feel the subtle changes happening throughout my entirety. I feel the oncoming of a tidal wave of drastic change that can only be understood in the wake of it all. I know my current way of life will never be the same, nor will I ever be who I am today ever again. Like a horse shedding its winter coat, I too have to let go of my current and former self to adapt to a new environment. I must become more, I must become better than I ever have been up to this point. I must become a father!
Turbulent times are ahead in which I hope I am prepared to endure. There will be many battlegrounds with unidentified enemies that endanger our future, I just hope I am prepared to weather all the silly troubles of the immediate to keep the greater good close to heart and mind. Please allow me to find clarity in the murkiest of waters so I may keep the end destination within my grasp through all experiences. This is the journey into the void I must once again confront in order to prove myself worthy of greater responsibility.
The unknown is the scariest of all places. The void is the space in which I filter all information through a lens of ineptitude, doubt, and uncertainty for I know not what lies ahead. What alternatives do I have though? Perhaps I turn back, maybe run in a different direction, or you know what, maybe I’ll just stay put? What future awaits me if I were to choose these paths of cowardice, blame, and reliance?
The void has a way of testing the very essence of my soul. A space that constantly challenges me to the very center of my being, forcing me to face every doubt I have ever pondered simultaneously. The process nearly breaks me every time and just when I am ready to declare defeat a small shimmer of hope yet remains no matter how distant. Do I give in to the doubt, crawling back into the deepest insecurities and mistakes of my past, devoting my self to a “safe and secure” future of mediocrity in which I endlessly suffer into eternity? Do I give in to the insanity, never taking ownership for my own life and always rely on others to guide me forward in indentured servitude to them? The fears I have every day are most prevalent in the face of the unknown. I never know I will survive these tests of life, but that is the known price of admission.
In these doubts of the moment, there lingers the infinite. Within the infinite, there resides the longevity of perseverance over time. With that time, the presence of clarity shines through all the doubt. The unknown is temporary, time is infinite. Within the infinite, there remains only persistence to supersede all. This is what reassures me as I enter the void. Once my focus is dialed in, the unknown is on the clock; time, effort, and capacity will transcend all.
I enter the void willingly once again, arms wide opened, inviting the interrogation of my soul. I accept responsibility for my life and the ownership necessary to venture safely through the unknown. I accept the sacrifices ahead in order to become better, to mature, to refine myself once again. I will continue to sprint towards the void, for I know that is where my true self may be unveiled. I welcome this redirection of my life called fatherhood. Please show me the version of myself I have yet to be acquainted with.
I am beginning to sense the artful craft of fatherhood ever so slightly creeping through me now. So obvious the change has become that I can’t pretend to account for the differences of everything else. I can see where my priorities are transforming in ways I never thought possible or even necessary. I feel the way in which I view my priorities shifting, but in a way that I would phrase as a welcomed reorganization. Reorganizing my priories in which all of the most important aspects of my life have now become the second most important.
Instead of me potentially over obsessing over my other focuses, I except less and move on to more pressing matters. Matters like preparation for the baby, organization of the household, and being there to support and comfort baby momma. I can sense the good coming from this reorganization of priorities and I am very curious to feel the continuous transformation as things progress closer to deliverance.
I do not know what lurks ahead in the blurry fog of the uncertain future, but I am excited for the opportunity to experience this new venture. I can’t imagine being any better prepared for this adventure ahead then I am at this time. For I have an amazing partner who will willingly hash out any tough discussions ahead no matter how many days in a row we must work at it. I also have the most amazing family and support system of friends one could ever dream of. Having the ability to raise a child in this mountainous ranch setting feels straight out of a fairy tale and I can’t wait to have a little buddy to experience this amazing life with. Regardless of whether he likes horses, nature, or any aspect of our lives and what we love, I am just glad to have the ability to raise a child in the country, surrounded by family and those who offer nothing, but support, encouragement, and unwavering love.